How Do I Feel

I constantly get asked, ‘How do you feel?’

But, most days I don’t know. And I think that

is what separates me from all of them. What

separates the weak from the strong. You see

there are days where I feel weightless and

not a single thing could go wrong.

The sky is bright. The clouds are shaped like

dogs. And the world, the world, it’s warm.

It’s welcoming.

But that’s only once a week.

Those days that fill in between are emptier

than the cup of coffee I finished off an hour

ago. It wasn’t an hour though, it was two weeks.

But like the coffee I’m beginning to mold in place.

Glued to the pot that is always warm.

Warmer than a wool sweater in June. I’m

Suffocating from this heat. This atmosphere.

God damn it!

I’m screaming, but not out loud. No, that is

something I can’t do. Because then they would

know exactly how I feel. And I feel nothing. And I

guess that is how I feel. I don’t. I’ve gone numb to

the teetering and tottering of the world around me.

Numb like the Ice that clings to the

side of my freezer. Freezing cold like

they say my heart was.

But I don’t have one.

My chest has been barren for years, or

maybe more. I don’t know, it’s all a blur.

Blurred like my vision when I cry in the

shower. And the shower is the safest place

to cry. The shower is the safest because it gets

rid of the puffiness under your eyes. The puffiness

that gives away your weak.

I’m not weak. I’m smart. I cry in the

shower.

God damn it!

I’m not smart enough. My subconscious

constantly fights back. Punching at the walls

of my sanity like an angered little boy. And

slowly the holes have become gaping nightmares.

Nightmares that I cannot escape.

And that is in fact how I feel. Trapped.

Trapped in this world of nothing.

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