I constantly get asked, ‘How do you feel?’
But, most days I don’t know. And I think that
is what separates me from all of them. What
separates the weak from the strong. You see
there are days where I feel weightless and
not a single thing could go wrong.
The sky is bright. The clouds are shaped like
dogs. And the world, the world, it’s warm.
But that’s only once a week.
Those days that fill in between are emptier
than the cup of coffee I finished off an hour
ago. It wasn’t an hour though, it was two weeks.
But like the coffee I’m beginning to mold in place.
Glued to the pot that is always warm.
Warmer than a wool sweater in June. I’m
Suffocating from this heat. This atmosphere.
God damn it!
I’m screaming, but not out loud. No, that is
something I can’t do. Because then they would
know exactly how I feel. And I feel nothing. And I
guess that is how I feel. I don’t. I’ve gone numb to
the teetering and tottering of the world around me.
Numb like the Ice that clings to the
side of my freezer. Freezing cold like
they say my heart was.
But I don’t have one.
My chest has been barren for years, or
maybe more. I don’t know, it’s all a blur.
Blurred like my vision when I cry in the
shower. And the shower is the safest place
to cry. The shower is the safest because it gets
rid of the puffiness under your eyes. The puffiness
that gives away your weak.
I’m not weak. I’m smart. I cry in the
God damn it!
I’m not smart enough. My subconscious
constantly fights back. Punching at the walls
of my sanity like an angered little boy. And
slowly the holes have become gaping nightmares.
Nightmares that I cannot escape.
And that is in fact how I feel. Trapped.
Trapped in this world of nothing.